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History of the decade, part 2: 2001 

Yesterday: 2000


Britain was embroiled in all sorts of diseases with its livestock and foot and mouth, blamed on a threat by Telly Savalas in the movie On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. In fact, it was a millennium prank orchestrated by mathematics’ geeks gone wrong.
   Osama bin Laden records an angry message directed at the US over the cancellation of Baywatch. Translators discover a hidden message, where bin Laden vows to record David Hasselhoff in a drunken state if given the chance.
   George W. Bush abandons the Kyoto global warming treaty, largely because he could

March: Wellingtonian goes back in time, gets mad, wins Oscar. It would establish Russell Crowe’s fighting hobby. Crowe, as Doc Brown and Marty McFly did in the 1980s, confirms that only humans with five letters in their surname can time-travel. Later in the decade, Rose Tyler, Sam Tyler, Alex Drake, Donna Noble, Amanda Price and Martha Jones would do the same. The rule also applies to Vulcans.
not find Kyoto on a map. He estab­lish­es an excel­lent rap­port with Mexi­can pres­ident Vicente Fox, thank­ing him for the sup­port of his news net­work.
   Slobo­dan Milo­šević believes he is hired to be the new Perry Mason in a TV re­make, set at the Inter­national Crim­inal Court, but begins going off the script when he said that the person play­ing the judge was not a good enough actor.
   To get the UK’s collective mind off livestock diseases and 9-11, Tony Blair promises to help the Americans retaliate against the terrorists by hiring Britain’s most skilful mercenary, Simon Cowell. Cowell unleashes a devastating weapon called Pop Idol, disguised as a talent contest, where the rejects of the early weeks are hired by MI6 and recorded on compact discs. These are then air-dropped on to known Taliban hideouts using a ‘shock and awe’ policy, in the belief it would smoke out the terrorists.
   Judging this to be a good idea, the Americans remake Pop Idol and hire Cowell to strategize the attacks. They also hire a man who uses the code word ‘Dog’ (in the same way Americans used ‘Charlie’ in Vietnam) and a drunk woman.
   Deputy PM John Prescott starts beating up voters on the campaign trail in the UK. The public brawling, and the fact Prescott gets off scot-free, inspire Russell Crowe.
   Crowe stars in Gladiator and wins an Oscar. Scholars are still puzzled by the outcome. New Zealanders are puzzled by the American media’s claim that Crowe is Australian. Australians are puzzled by the American media’s claim that Crowe can act.

Tomorrow: 2002

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   With Blogger ceasing to support FTP publishing on May 1, I have decided to turn these older pages in to an archive, so you will no longer be able to enter comments. However, you can comment on entries posted after January 1, 2010.

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