Above: I’m Asian, and I want banking. National Bank gets me again. (For that story, click here.)

Out of the businesses I have, one is unincorporated, and it has a US dollar bank account based in New Zealand. Over the years, it’s been at numerous banks, and was at the ANZ.
   Until the ANZ began charging a deposit fee for foreign cheques. It seems that the ANZ does not understand the basic principle that a deposit is a loan by the customer to the bank. I would only accept such a fee if, when borrowing money from the bank, I can charge it a Jack Yan Is Good Looking and Humble fee, but, alas, the bank said it would not accept such a term, nor such an outrageously false name.
   So the account went over to the TSB, still my preferred bank by some margin, but it would have to be a term deposit—that was the rule back in 2006. However, I was advised that it could be turned into a call account, which sounded closer to what I had at the ANZ, but without the ridiculous deposit fee. That would work for me—plus I needed an account where I could deposit US dollars and not be a two-time loser on the exchange rate when depositing and withdrawing money because of using a Kiwi account as an intermediary.
   Unfortunately, the rules have changed. TSB will only open a new account for foreign currency for legal persons, and an unincorporated business is not a legal person. That’s fair enough, though it doesn’t help me. HSBC, for whom TSB acts agent, is in the same boat after I enquired there today about its market currency account. However, I should note that, unlike many other businesses, I had a competent person on the phone who could answer all my questions with only a total of one minute on hold.
   So, what are the alternatives? After visiting several banks, I don’t believe I have any answer.
   Kiwibank, a division of Johnny Foreigner Bank (2013) Ltd., did not know. The teller believed that I might be able to, but it was done over the phone, not in person. She was unsure how I could deposit cheques over the phone. I couldn’t find the slot on my phone where I could insert a cheque.
   The National Bank, a division of ANZ, still charges a deposit fee. I was shocked to learn that the fee has increased to NZ$15. I was pretty sure it was NZ$5 when I left the ANZ group. Stuff that. Enough horsing around.
   The BNZ, a subsidiary of yet another Australian bank, was unable to advise me whether I could open an account without my making an appointment.
   I have yet to try Westpac, where Lucire Ltd. has its account here, but Lucida turns me off. I may have to check them out next, but I would really prefer a New Zealand-owned bank. As I write this, I realize there’s also the Auckland Savings Bank, also owned offshore, but they may be able to accommodate me (goodness, a decade of Goldstein and it’s still not in my consideration set?). Might have to be a trip into Bay Road tomorrow.
   Where does John Key keep his $50 million? Maybe that’s where I should put these funds.